it takes some time, but at some point, belph will be seeking hikage out, carrying two cups of tea. it doesn't surprise him to find hikage doing much of nothing.]
[ he feels relieved and he hates it - but inside that hatred is a tiny flicker of hope. In all the misery and lack of direction he's been feeling since -- well, since that love potion wore off, but since today's trial, especially, he's shocked to find it. A wisp of happiness. He's afraid of it, immediately thinks it can't be real, but he simultaneously feels himself desperately trying to protect it. ]
... Will you listen to my story, Belph?
[ he'll lay all his cards on the table. he's never done this before and he's fucking petrified - his face remains stony as ever, but his hands are still shaking, and even in the darkness, now it's plain as day: his right eye is bright red, practically glowing. He's so terrified of being rejected he could throw up. But he wants to choose. ]
[the glowing eye is odd, but all things considered, hikage's been dropping so many bombshells on him tonight that he's not sure if it's the oddest thing at the moment.
belph doesn't understand why hikage seems to trust him so much. it occurs to him that he's been handed something precious, and something far too easy to shatter, and he doesn't know if he's suited to protect it.
(why does hikage want to believe in him when even she couldn't, in the end?)
still, his tone less flippant than usual, he responds.]
[ good don't ask about it because i haven't finished playing the sequel that explains it yet
Hikage takes a deep breath, a little shakily - but he's already dug this hole. He has to get in it now. ]
I still don't remember most of who I was when I was alive. I just remember that my family was full of wretched people. I'd put up with them for the one person who wasn't - my little sister. I think she was only my half-sister, but she treated me like her real brother... We loved each other. Her parents didn't pay attention to her, but I would. ... She was really sick. [ his voice becomes stiff. ] She died... She could have been saved, but she wasn't. And I thought... I could find a way to see her again. I did find a way. I studied things... I learned things humans weren't meant to learn. I killed people. I did terrible things... And I found a road to the other side. But at the last minute... I panicked. I didn't want her to see what I'd become, so I destroyed it. And then... I killed myself.
[ the story is slow and uncertain, and there are gaps - things he still doesn't remember. exactly what he did, exactly how she died, why he got there, and how. but he knows the important parts. ]
That must have been a hundred years ago. Maybe more. I died, but I woke up... in the path between worlds I thought I destroyed, with no way out. She wasn't there. I couldn't remember anything. I learned that the other souls would pass on... but no matter what I did, I couldn't. I didn't know who I was, or why I was there. I was just stuck there. Year after year after year... I forgot what it was like to be human. I started getting desperate. I couldn't feel anything... But I could feel something when I saw the other souls suffering there... so I started doing it on purpose. I... manipulated them. I made them fall into despair, so they'd never pass on. I made them remember all their worst memories. I turned them into monsters. It felt good. I loved to watch them lose all of their hope. To watch them scream... I did it over and over, for years... I thought that must be the reason I existed... to make humanity suffer the way I was suffering...
[ he just trails off. it's an unnatural ending to a story told with uncertainty - because he still doesn't know how it's going to end, either. all he does is laugh a little bit. ]
this is a lot?? belph listens, his expression occasionally morphing into surprise, into something akin to—sadness, maybe? hikage might find it a relief that he never looks horrified, at least, as horrific as his tale is.
once hikage is done—or as done as he'll ever be—belph takes a few moments. it's not the sort of story one can immediately respond to.]
... Well, yeah. You became a pretty awful person.
[he won't deny that.]
Though hundreds of years of torture will do a lot to most people. I don't think I would've turned out that differently...
[it's not an empty statement, born from false sympathy. belph hasn't done anything of hikage's magnitude, but he knows who he is; what his future will be like. and, he knows the flickers of what he's felt here. how easy it would be, to let it all go.
how he'd rather disappear than return home and watch the person he'll become.]
... So? What about here? Do you want the same thing in this world too?
[ the words sting, to be sure, but he thinks he likes them better than empty words of comfort. He is an awful person. He knows that. That's exactly why he goes to such lengths to hide it.
Still, Belph doesn't get up and leave, or yell at him, or even ask him why he did any of those things. So Hikage feels like he can continue. He's like a stray cat, slowly being coerced out of hiding. ]
... That's all I should want. If I live, I was going to wish for all of you to suffer. Being here is a nice change of scenery... After being stuck in that manor for so long, I thought I could at least enjoy it. And if they could truly grant my wish, then maybe I wouldn't ever have to return. I thought I'd be satisfied with that.
[ but he's not, anymore. the fact that he's talking to someone about any of this stuff is proof of that. He's never told anyone any of this. The feeling is less liberating than he would like - but it does feel like it's clearing his mind. ]
But now... [ he sighs. ] ... I don't know. Being with the living again - I can almost pretend I'm alive, too. When I'm talking to you, or when someone holds me, it's warm. Dragon said I could come back. But I know an ending like that is too convenient for someone like me.
... Well, I'd personally prefer it if you didn't wish for my suffering? But that's just me.
[ah, there's belph's usual casualness. promptly afterwards, though, he smiles, something sad lurking within.]
To be honest, if you're looking for advice, I'm the worst person to go to. For one, I'd probably screw it up.
[he's barely equipped to deal with his own life, let alone someone else's.]
Your partner would be better suited for this, I think. [...] But if you're capable of feeling like this could almost be a second chance, then... in my humble opinion, you don't have to be some kind of saint, but you might as well believe in your own lie. You're already at the bottom, right? Not like you can get much lower.
... Once this war is over, you can decide then what fate you deserve.
[hope is the cruelest emotion, but without it, people are nothing. a part of belph wonders if he's projecting onto hikage—that if there is no second chance for him, then at the very least, he'd like to see it go to someone else.]
[ he doesn't want to deal with her. Even though she insists that he's not a bad person, Hikage remains convinced her tune would change if she knew the truth. That's the difference between her and Belph. It's easy to tell that Belph has his own secrets, and Hikage knows (or thinks he knows) enough about his sense of morality to guess that, at worst, Belph would probably feel distant disgust. At least, that's his rationale after the fact; during the moment, he'd certainly felt as terrified as if he'd been holding Hikage at gunpoint. Stephanie, though, is different - she's a hero, and a good person, and she has plenty of other, better people to turn to. She puts up with him because she pities him now. If she knew the reason he acted the way he did was because he was a killer and a sadist struggling with his own loose grip on sanity, he'd probably even lose that pity.
And he's pathetic enough that he doesn't want to. ]
... If you'll still talk to me after hearing all this, I think I'd be happier keeping you alive than watching you suffer. [ it's an absurd statement; Hikage seems aware of it, considering his tongue-in-cheek tone. At the same time, though, he's serious. That's what this comes down to: what option will leave him less miserable. ] How about it? Would you still avoid choosing me if you became the Blotter? If you kill me now, you might be protecting all these people. I haven't made my decision yet.
[belph can't comment on the apparent complications of hikage's partnership with steph (though if he knew, he'd be very thankful for his much simpler relationship with shirasu). he's still not even sure what to think of what he has with hikage.
though maybe they make the perfect duo: someone who wants to crush hope, and someone who left it behind.]
Hmm... if you're going to keep me in suspense, maybe I should keep you in suspense as well...?
[ because he wants to hear Belph say that he won't do it. That he'll accept Hikage as he is, tattered, filthy wings and all. Hikage doesn't know what their relationship is, either, but he knows that from now on, it could be something real. Maybe he could have a friend. Maybe he'll be able to feel happy and know it's not based on deception.
But, as ever, Hikage can't bring himself to be honest. ]
... I want to know if I should regret telling you. That's all.
[ please don't keep him in suspense. he looks over at him with his uneven eyes, neutral, yet somehow surprisingly vulnerable. ]
[... ha. he honestly doesn't know what to do with this. people usually aren't so vulnerable around him. he's not exactly known for being a nice guy, after all.]
Even if I'm chosen to be a Blotter... you still wouldn't be anywhere near the top of my list.
[not that he has a literal list, as he'd actually rather not think about killing people.]
[ There's been a knot in his chest for years, tightening and tightening - now, for the first time, he feels it loosen, and something like relief flows through his veins, cooling and calming. Maybe this is peace. It's different from the rush he would feel when his plans came together, when the clueless fools wandering his manor would fall into his trap and turn on one another - that triumph lasted only a moment, and his pain would always return soon after. This emotion feels safe. Comfortable. How long has it been since he felt this way?
It's such a simple thing. It might not even count as an admission of friendship or trust. But Hikage is clearly moved; he feels his eyes prickle, and he turns back down to his teacup. ]
Heh heh... [ shyly, almost, he's hiding his face, but he's clearly smiling. ] I hate liars, so you'd better not go back on your word.
[suffice to say this is absolutely not how belph expected his night to go or a side of hikage he expected to see. (he also won't comment on the irony of hikage hating liars.)
instead, he smiles.]
... I'm not usually known for doing that. [...] You really haven't had any friends, have you?
[because this has been an incredibly bizarre way of getting to know someone.]
[ it's not ironic because hikage hates himself too... he's aware. ]
When I was alive... Well, I don't remember anyone like that. I had my sister. [ family probably doesn't count. god knows the rest of them couldn't stand him - the bastard son. ] In the manor, I only had servants. At first, I tried talking to the other souls, but they would all disappear sooner or later.
[ it became more satisfying to him to manipulate them in entertaining ways than to try and form any real connections with them; after all, they'd just end.
but also, in other words, no, he hasn't had any friends. ]
[ now he looks embarrassed, and he pointedly takes a drink from the tea. It's cooled off significantly by now - still, Hikage feels oddly warm inside. This situation is hellish, without a doubt; his existence could be snuffed out at any moment. He doesn't want to go back to the other manor, and he doesn't want to return to his old life, either, knowing what he does now. He doesn't know what the future holds for him.
But for now... he thinks he's happy, just a little. ]
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[ he feels relieved and he hates it - but inside that hatred is a tiny flicker of hope. In all the misery and lack of direction he's been feeling since -- well, since that love potion wore off, but since today's trial, especially, he's shocked to find it. A wisp of happiness. He's afraid of it, immediately thinks it can't be real, but he simultaneously feels himself desperately trying to protect it. ]
... Will you listen to my story, Belph?
[ he'll lay all his cards on the table. he's never done this before and he's fucking petrified - his face remains stony as ever, but his hands are still shaking, and even in the darkness, now it's plain as day: his right eye is bright red, practically glowing. He's so terrified of being rejected he could throw up. But he wants to choose. ]
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belph doesn't understand why hikage seems to trust him so much. it occurs to him that he's been handed something precious, and something far too easy to shatter, and he doesn't know if he's suited to protect it.
(why does hikage want to believe in him when even she couldn't, in the end?)
still, his tone less flippant than usual, he responds.]
... Sure. Go ahead and shoot.
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Hikage takes a deep breath, a little shakily - but he's already dug this hole. He has to get in it now. ]
I still don't remember most of who I was when I was alive. I just remember that my family was full of wretched people. I'd put up with them for the one person who wasn't - my little sister. I think she was only my half-sister, but she treated me like her real brother... We loved each other. Her parents didn't pay attention to her, but I would. ... She was really sick. [ his voice becomes stiff. ] She died... She could have been saved, but she wasn't. And I thought... I could find a way to see her again. I did find a way. I studied things... I learned things humans weren't meant to learn. I killed people. I did terrible things... And I found a road to the other side. But at the last minute... I panicked. I didn't want her to see what I'd become, so I destroyed it. And then... I killed myself.
[ the story is slow and uncertain, and there are gaps - things he still doesn't remember. exactly what he did, exactly how she died, why he got there, and how. but he knows the important parts. ]
That must have been a hundred years ago. Maybe more. I died, but I woke up... in the path between worlds I thought I destroyed, with no way out. She wasn't there. I couldn't remember anything. I learned that the other souls would pass on... but no matter what I did, I couldn't. I didn't know who I was, or why I was there. I was just stuck there. Year after year after year... I forgot what it was like to be human. I started getting desperate. I couldn't feel anything... But I could feel something when I saw the other souls suffering there... so I started doing it on purpose. I... manipulated them. I made them fall into despair, so they'd never pass on. I made them remember all their worst memories. I turned them into monsters. It felt good. I loved to watch them lose all of their hope. To watch them scream... I did it over and over, for years... I thought that must be the reason I existed... to make humanity suffer the way I was suffering...
[ he just trails off. it's an unnatural ending to a story told with uncertainty - because he still doesn't know how it's going to end, either. all he does is laugh a little bit. ]
... That's the real me.
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this is a lot?? belph listens, his expression occasionally morphing into surprise, into something akin to—sadness, maybe? hikage might find it a relief that he never looks horrified, at least, as horrific as his tale is.
once hikage is done—or as done as he'll ever be—belph takes a few moments. it's not the sort of story one can immediately respond to.]
... Well, yeah. You became a pretty awful person.
[he won't deny that.]
Though hundreds of years of torture will do a lot to most people. I don't think I would've turned out that differently...
[it's not an empty statement, born from false sympathy. belph hasn't done anything of hikage's magnitude, but he knows who he is; what his future will be like. and, he knows the flickers of what he's felt here. how easy it would be, to let it all go.
how he'd rather disappear than return home and watch the person he'll become.]
... So? What about here? Do you want the same thing in this world too?
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Still, Belph doesn't get up and leave, or yell at him, or even ask him why he did any of those things. So Hikage feels like he can continue. He's like a stray cat, slowly being coerced out of hiding. ]
... That's all I should want. If I live, I was going to wish for all of you to suffer. Being here is a nice change of scenery... After being stuck in that manor for so long, I thought I could at least enjoy it. And if they could truly grant my wish, then maybe I wouldn't ever have to return. I thought I'd be satisfied with that.
[ but he's not, anymore. the fact that he's talking to someone about any of this stuff is proof of that. He's never told anyone any of this. The feeling is less liberating than he would like - but it does feel like it's clearing his mind. ]
But now... [ he sighs. ] ... I don't know. Being with the living again - I can almost pretend I'm alive, too. When I'm talking to you, or when someone holds me, it's warm. Dragon said I could come back. But I know an ending like that is too convenient for someone like me.
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[ah, there's belph's usual casualness. promptly afterwards, though, he smiles, something sad lurking within.]
To be honest, if you're looking for advice, I'm the worst person to go to. For one, I'd probably screw it up.
[he's barely equipped to deal with his own life, let alone someone else's.]
Your partner would be better suited for this, I think. [...] But if you're capable of feeling like this could almost be a second chance, then... in my humble opinion, you don't have to be some kind of saint, but you might as well believe in your own lie. You're already at the bottom, right? Not like you can get much lower.
... Once this war is over, you can decide then what fate you deserve.
[hope is the cruelest emotion, but without it, people are nothing. a part of belph wonders if he's projecting onto hikage—that if there is no second chance for him, then at the very least, he'd like to see it go to someone else.]
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[ he doesn't want to deal with her. Even though she insists that he's not a bad person, Hikage remains convinced her tune would change if she knew the truth. That's the difference between her and Belph. It's easy to tell that Belph has his own secrets, and Hikage knows (or thinks he knows) enough about his sense of morality to guess that, at worst, Belph would probably feel distant disgust. At least, that's his rationale after the fact; during the moment, he'd certainly felt as terrified as if he'd been holding Hikage at gunpoint. Stephanie, though, is different - she's a hero, and a good person, and she has plenty of other, better people to turn to. She puts up with him because she pities him now. If she knew the reason he acted the way he did was because he was a killer and a sadist struggling with his own loose grip on sanity, he'd probably even lose that pity.
And he's pathetic enough that he doesn't want to. ]
... If you'll still talk to me after hearing all this, I think I'd be happier keeping you alive than watching you suffer. [ it's an absurd statement; Hikage seems aware of it, considering his tongue-in-cheek tone. At the same time, though, he's serious. That's what this comes down to: what option will leave him less miserable. ] How about it? Would you still avoid choosing me if you became the Blotter? If you kill me now, you might be protecting all these people. I haven't made my decision yet.
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though maybe they make the perfect duo: someone who wants to crush hope, and someone who left it behind.]
Hmm... if you're going to keep me in suspense, maybe I should keep you in suspense as well...?
But in all seriousness, why do you ask?
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[ because he wants to hear Belph say that he won't do it. That he'll accept Hikage as he is, tattered, filthy wings and all. Hikage doesn't know what their relationship is, either, but he knows that from now on, it could be something real. Maybe he could have a friend. Maybe he'll be able to feel happy and know it's not based on deception.
But, as ever, Hikage can't bring himself to be honest. ]
... I want to know if I should regret telling you. That's all.
[ please don't keep him in suspense. he looks over at him with his uneven eyes, neutral, yet somehow surprisingly vulnerable. ]
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Even if I'm chosen to be a Blotter... you still wouldn't be anywhere near the top of my list.
[not that he has a literal list, as he'd actually rather not think about killing people.]
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It's such a simple thing. It might not even count as an admission of friendship or trust. But Hikage is clearly moved; he feels his eyes prickle, and he turns back down to his teacup. ]
Heh heh... [ shyly, almost, he's hiding his face, but he's clearly smiling. ] I hate liars, so you'd better not go back on your word.
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instead, he smiles.]
... I'm not usually known for doing that. [...] You really haven't had any friends, have you?
[because this has been an incredibly bizarre way of getting to know someone.]
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When I was alive... Well, I don't remember anyone like that. I had my sister. [ family probably doesn't count. god knows the rest of them couldn't stand him - the bastard son. ] In the manor, I only had servants. At first, I tried talking to the other souls, but they would all disappear sooner or later.
[ it became more satisfying to him to manipulate them in entertaining ways than to try and form any real connections with them; after all, they'd just end.
but also, in other words, no, he hasn't had any friends. ]
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This honestly explains a lot about your people skills.
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[ let him live, Belph... ]
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[ now he looks embarrassed, and he pointedly takes a drink from the tea. It's cooled off significantly by now - still, Hikage feels oddly warm inside. This situation is hellish, without a doubt; his existence could be snuffed out at any moment. He doesn't want to go back to the other manor, and he doesn't want to return to his old life, either, knowing what he does now. He doesn't know what the future holds for him.
But for now... he thinks he's happy, just a little. ]
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You think everything is making fun of you, man...
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[ you untrustworthy otome gremlin! why did he put his affection here... ]
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[he absolutely can, and that's a very good question, hikage...]